Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
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My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
This why you should mind your business
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Don’t make me out nice you.