We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
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7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
A fake ID that makes you younger
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Oh yeah that’s it
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in