I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
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GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]