we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
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Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
nothing saves money like being antisocial
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.