DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
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ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.