No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
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Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
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My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.