Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
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I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely