I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
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Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.