You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
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landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*