Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
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It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
This bar smells like my childhood.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
dogs can find happiness so easily
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.