I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
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I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*