I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
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*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
✌🏽
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.