A drum solo but on your face.
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Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*