Ooh I do like a good funnel
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My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Not my job 😂
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Friday night party time 🥳
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg