Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
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My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.