I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
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This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
absolutely not
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.