Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I only eat vegetarians.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Aaaa…CHOO!
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
(Jupiter –
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”