I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
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Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.