The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
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[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
He a real one for that
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning