Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
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I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit