Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
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Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?