I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
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My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Care for your back
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO