[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
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Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Cannot stop laughing at this
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school