Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
You Might Also Like
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Hero horse inspires millions
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do