Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
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Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me: