I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
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Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”