I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
You Might Also Like
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end