I think we should hear other voices.
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therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
can’t believe I got front row seats
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?