馃ぃ馃ぃ
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[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 馃槵
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I鈥檓 crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Me: I鈥檓 living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I鈥檓 a teacher
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we鈥檙e landing in a volcano
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I鈥檓 here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don鈥檛 you have an office?
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It鈥檚 you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you鈥檙e 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that鈥檚 going to happen.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn鈥檛 returned my text.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
i love modern commerce
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]