No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
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A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.