I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
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My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs