sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
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ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”