So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
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“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher