“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
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People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
He’s cranky this morning
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?