Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
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Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Dishonest mechanic?
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.