Why does laundry happen to good people?
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…