I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
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Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
My time has come.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.