If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
You Might Also Like
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me