PER MY LAST EMAIL
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“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up