ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
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Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I’m already scared
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?