If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
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Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.