Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
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the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Holy crap this is wonderful
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.