Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
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Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
What the dentist sees
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.