Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
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{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
excuse me
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Ugh
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.