It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
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Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?