*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
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convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.