Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
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I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions