Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
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These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Me when my alarm goes off
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.