Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
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Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball