Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
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My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003